Melissa Charles author

I originally wrote this opinion piece over ten years ago. It appeared on Huffington Post as well as on my former blog. It remains one of the most personal and favourite blog posts that I’ve ever done.

To The Woman With The Bruises,

I know you. I don’t know your name, where you live, your age, or your phone number.

But I know you.

I know that look in your eyes. That frightened, defeated, depressed, broken look.

I know you, because I once saw that look in my own eyes.

I know what it’s like to live with someone who terrifies you. I know what it’s like to go to sleep sick and wake up scared.

I know you.

And I want you to hear me, as one survivor to another: it’s not your fault.

I know the psychological warfare you’ve been besieged with. I know how your self-esteem is non-existent, replaced by a constant stream of negatives. I know that you’ve come to believe that you’re so useless, damaged, stupid and lazy that you deserve every word hurled at you in anger, every blow that’s ever landed on you, be it emotionally or physically. I know you believe that if you could just be BETTER, this would all go away, that you’d meet with approval, that finally, he’d be happy. And love you.

After all, he can be sweet, can’t he? You have memories that you treasure in your heart, that you keep close and turn back to, time and again. There’s hope there. Proof that he can be loving and kind and gentle. The rage that takes him over, that’s what’s to blame. At heart, he’s so loving, isn’t he?

Here’s the truth: No. No, he’s not.

His anger is just as much a part of him as any good you’ve ever seen. And the reality is that no amount of enduring his rage will ever get him to stop. Nothing you say or do is responsible for his behaviour, and therefore, nothing you say or do will ever make him stop lashing out at you.

Because it’s all on him. You bear no responsibility for his abuse of you. None.

It doesn’t matter how angry you make him, what you’ve done. If you burn dinner, return home late after work, decided to go out for girls’ night, put a dent in the car. Doesn’t. Matter. As an adult, HE has the responsibility to control his emotions, because he’s the only one who actually can. There is NOTHING you can ever do that would justify him putting his hands on you in anger. There just isn’t.

It doesn’t matter WHY he’s abusive. It just doesn’t. Be it mental illness, addiction or just being an evil, abusive jerk. The end result is the same. Someone who abuses their partner isn’t someone you need to be with. You can’t heal him, save him or fix him. You need to attend to your own safety.

And as for all that crap he’s drilled into your head? Think about something: if you’re so lazy, stupid, ugly, fat, or whatever other load of psychologically damaging crap he’s hammered into your head, ask yourself: why would he want someone like that? He’s claiming it’s because he loves you, right? He pities you, and is willing to try and teach you to be a proper partner. That’s the carrot. His love, held out as something to strive for. To be earn and finally be worthy of.

It’s a lie. A mirage.

That’s why he ups the stakes the way he does. Finding fault with something he’d praised before — be it a meal you cooked or a dress you wore — shows that he needs to assure himself that no matter what he does, he’s in control.

There is never, ever, going to be a way to satisfy him.

I’m hoping, praying that you get out. Leave him. There are women’s shelters you can run to. Or, like the Super Bowl commercial here, remember you can call 911. Please get help. Get to safety. Access therapy to undo the damage he’s done and heal. Be the woman you were meant to be.

Because that woman? She’s nobody’s punching bag.

If you can do these things, one day you may find yourself standing in front of a mirror, and the woman gazing back at you will have joy in her eyes. Peace. Excitement. A love of living again. And strength. There’ll be a strength there that you recognize.

I know you. I was you… I am you. I escaped. I stayed gone. I survived. I thrived. You could too.

Be it a violent partner or abusive parents, there is hope. There is a way out.

You can do this. Reach out. Ask for help. Domestic violence hotlines in your area can assist with a wealth of information, and are there to help. To listen.

You can do this.

In the U.S., https://www.thehotline.org provides a chat window, text by sending START to 88788, and a hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE), 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

If you’re in Canada, go here for a breakdown of hotlines by province.

I wrote this post because no one should ever live in fear. No person, regardless of age, gender, socioeconomic status, race, sexual orientation, ANYONE should EVER suffer domestic violence.

I chose to write about a woman because statistically, women outnumber men as victims of domestic violence, although it’s suspected that statistics about men who are abused by intimate partners are very underreported. I hope and pray that as more people speak out, more cry and yell about domestic violence being a crime in our world, that there will come a day when nobody lives in fear from someone who supposedly loves them.

This is my call out. This is my yell. This is my banner waving furiously.

No. More.

End domestic violence.